Forgiveness

Recently, I had a falling out with a friend, whom I'll call Lisa. Admittedly, I overreacted to what I perceived to be an indescretion committed by her and consequently I displayed anger and resentment toward her.

We had not talked in over two weeks when I ran into her recently. We did not say a word to eachother when finally I asked "are you not talking to me?" to which she responded "I really have nothing to say." I replied with "ok, I was just checking."

In the past I would've asked to speak to her and gone into a diatribe of explaining what I felt by her actions and why I reacted the way that I did. To which I assume she would've cooly responded that I was mistaken and ended by saying that my behavior was unacceptable but she'll allow us to move on.

Still she wouldn't have admitted to having played a part as my feelings were just a reaction of my "mistaken beliefs." Cut to the new me.

Previously, I would have beat myself up for reacting the way that I did. And because of my abandonment fears, I would've have succumbed to the notion of being unforgivable and rejectable because of my actions. But with her response of "I have nothing to say," which seems to me a major rejection, I realized that this time, I will not reject myself.

Admittedly, I am not perfect and in close relationships, fears and insecurities will arise that will cause you to behave in less than a stellar fashion. Although I'm not saying that this is ok, what I am saying is that this is understandable and forgivable. Unless you were intentionally trying to hurt someone else, you are worthy of forgiveness. Even if you had intentionally tried to hurt someone else, as Maya Angelou says, 'when you know better, you do better."

What I learned from this experience is that I will no longer punish myself for my reactions and behavior and if someone else wants to punish me, then that is their choice. Although it may hurt my feelings, I cannot force someone else to talk to me or to forgive me. And if they can't forgive me as a person, I won't allow that to affect my value as a person any longer. All I can do is continue to assert my personal value. Other people will attempt to convince you that you are not worthy, not worthy of having value in their life, not worthy of forgiveness, or of compassion. If you begin to believe this right along with them then you and only you are sealing your own fate.

Forgive yourself, and then more quickly you will learn to forgive others. As, the only one who bears the weight of unforgiveness, is you.

What's on your mind?