Isn't it funny that for a lot of us, our template for love is pain? Too often there are those of us who have had a long history of experiencing pain as love. Don't know what I mean? Then answer this question: what would you do if you met the love of your life and realized that he wanted to love you too?
Are you imagining a relationship that is smooth from the beginning? Where you are both all in from the start, being honest with eachother, if a conflict does arise you're able to talk about it and you feel your feelings will be honored should you approach a subject? Where there are no games, just two people who like eachother and enjoy eachother's company? Where intimacy and trust are built naturally over time? Where you feel comfortable being honest with your feelings because you feel comfortable with your feelings in general and he with his? You're both comfortable in your emotional worlds?
The reason I ask is that the problem that comes up is that many of us were raised with a very different template for love. We might have grown up in households where our emotions were punished and we consequently suppressed them. We might have not had good role models for dealing with our emotional worlds. We might have been hurt in love and/or experienced abandonment and/or longing for a parental or other figure. Consequently, and maybe subconciously, we associate a loving relationship as having some sort of pain attached.
If you're like me, each time I imagined a relationship, I also imagined some pain along with it, some sort of struggle we had to overcome to be together. Even if I didn't consciously know that I was making this association, when thinking about love, the negative feelings (longing, dissapointment, insecurity) were second-nature to me. This is associating pain with love. However this rarely establishes a base for real love but rather a whole lot of pain, conflict, hurt and regret.
What happens in these instances is that we often don't realize that our template for love is a negative one. We're unable to distinguish that the negative feelings we are experiencing are incompatible to what constitutes a loving relationship where two available parties have both feet in the relationship and express themselves authentically and openly to the world.
If you are unware of your negative feelings in the first place (feeling sad, anxious, upset, expectant, longing, uncertainty, insecurity) then you'll have an especially hard time processing them and thus releasing them therefore allowing you to acknowlede the situation and act accordingly. Many of us don't acknowledge, let alone feel our feelings.
As you may or may not know, emotions don't go away, they are always expressed in some form if they are not acknowledged, felt and released. Although you can supress them, often they continue to rise up in spurts of unhealthy outbursts and behaviors such as overreactions and disproportionate displays of feeling, whether anger, sadness, or other.
If you have a history of imbalanced, unhealthy relationships, it's imperative that you learn to recognize, acknowledge, feel, and finally release your feelings so that you become more comfortable with them and can more easily distinguish a healthy situation from an unhealthy one.
What's on your mind?
October 31, 2011
October 29, 2011
Forgiveness
Recently, I had a falling out with a friend, whom I'll call Lisa. Admittedly, I overreacted to what I perceived to be an indescretion committed by her and consequently I displayed anger and resentment toward her.
We had not talked in over two weeks when I ran into her recently. We did not say a word to eachother when finally I asked "are you not talking to me?" to which she responded "I really have nothing to say." I replied with "ok, I was just checking."
In the past I would've asked to speak to her and gone into a diatribe of explaining what I felt by her actions and why I reacted the way that I did. To which I assume she would've cooly responded that I was mistaken and ended by saying that my behavior was unacceptable but she'll allow us to move on.
Still she wouldn't have admitted to having played a part as my feelings were just a reaction of my "mistaken beliefs." Cut to the new me.
Previously, I would have beat myself up for reacting the way that I did. And because of my abandonment fears, I would've have succumbed to the notion of being unforgivable and rejectable because of my actions. But with her response of "I have nothing to say," which seems to me a major rejection, I realized that this time, I will not reject myself.
Admittedly, I am not perfect and in close relationships, fears and insecurities will arise that will cause you to behave in less than a stellar fashion. Although I'm not saying that this is ok, what I am saying is that this is understandable and forgivable. Unless you were intentionally trying to hurt someone else, you are worthy of forgiveness. Even if you had intentionally tried to hurt someone else, as Maya Angelou says, 'when you know better, you do better."
What I learned from this experience is that I will no longer punish myself for my reactions and behavior and if someone else wants to punish me, then that is their choice. Although it may hurt my feelings, I cannot force someone else to talk to me or to forgive me. And if they can't forgive me as a person, I won't allow that to affect my value as a person any longer. All I can do is continue to assert my personal value. Other people will attempt to convince you that you are not worthy, not worthy of having value in their life, not worthy of forgiveness, or of compassion. If you begin to believe this right along with them then you and only you are sealing your own fate.
Forgive yourself, and then more quickly you will learn to forgive others. As, the only one who bears the weight of unforgiveness, is you.
What's on your mind?
We had not talked in over two weeks when I ran into her recently. We did not say a word to eachother when finally I asked "are you not talking to me?" to which she responded "I really have nothing to say." I replied with "ok, I was just checking."
In the past I would've asked to speak to her and gone into a diatribe of explaining what I felt by her actions and why I reacted the way that I did. To which I assume she would've cooly responded that I was mistaken and ended by saying that my behavior was unacceptable but she'll allow us to move on.
Still she wouldn't have admitted to having played a part as my feelings were just a reaction of my "mistaken beliefs." Cut to the new me.
Previously, I would have beat myself up for reacting the way that I did. And because of my abandonment fears, I would've have succumbed to the notion of being unforgivable and rejectable because of my actions. But with her response of "I have nothing to say," which seems to me a major rejection, I realized that this time, I will not reject myself.
Admittedly, I am not perfect and in close relationships, fears and insecurities will arise that will cause you to behave in less than a stellar fashion. Although I'm not saying that this is ok, what I am saying is that this is understandable and forgivable. Unless you were intentionally trying to hurt someone else, you are worthy of forgiveness. Even if you had intentionally tried to hurt someone else, as Maya Angelou says, 'when you know better, you do better."
What I learned from this experience is that I will no longer punish myself for my reactions and behavior and if someone else wants to punish me, then that is their choice. Although it may hurt my feelings, I cannot force someone else to talk to me or to forgive me. And if they can't forgive me as a person, I won't allow that to affect my value as a person any longer. All I can do is continue to assert my personal value. Other people will attempt to convince you that you are not worthy, not worthy of having value in their life, not worthy of forgiveness, or of compassion. If you begin to believe this right along with them then you and only you are sealing your own fate.
Forgive yourself, and then more quickly you will learn to forgive others. As, the only one who bears the weight of unforgiveness, is you.
What's on your mind?
Are you an approval junkie?
I have spent a good chunk of my life anxiously awaiting for someones approval. This may have started back when I was a child and, desperate for love and attention of any kind, I became sensitive to any kind of acknowledgement I could receive from others. Something that would tell me that I was worthy and good enough. Something that would get me the love I so desperately wanted and needed. In my case approval came in the form of me behaving and getting good grades so this is what I tried to do.
I took behaving to the extreme in that I became a malleable personality, setting side my wants and needs in preference to figuring out what others wanted and needed from me. Not rocking the boat and living in fear that I will not be accepted and therefore not expressing any authenticity in my personality. Of course, the part of you that wants to assert your value as a being then comes out in other, unhealthy ways. Namely, anger and passive aggression.
I was on a long journey of being a pleaser. Putting others needs and wants ahead of my own. Assuming my inferiority in comparison to others. I became hooked on a game of trying to anticipate what was expected of me and acting accordingly. But where was I in the process?
In assuming my inferiority in comparison to others, I didn't get to know who I was, what I liked, or what I wanted. And why is this important? Because to be a healthy adult, you had to have developed value in yourself as a person. A fortunate child's feelings will have been honored, respected, and responded to in a loving manner. And the child then develops the self-esteem to honor their own instincts and values and relate to others with comfort within his own feelings and values. This then allows him to lead an authentic life based on his self-expression. Pleasers have usually had the opposite experience. Instead of valuing their own feelings and values, they surpress them in deference to others. This eventually leads to an ignorance about what they themselves are feeling and an uncertanty about the validity of their values and boundaries. You come to not know your true self.
It's so important to start right away. Feel your feelings, respond and act authentically, if you have a negative response, process, forgive yourself, and more forward.
Learn to know and love yourself for the being that is you.
What's on your mind?
I took behaving to the extreme in that I became a malleable personality, setting side my wants and needs in preference to figuring out what others wanted and needed from me. Not rocking the boat and living in fear that I will not be accepted and therefore not expressing any authenticity in my personality. Of course, the part of you that wants to assert your value as a being then comes out in other, unhealthy ways. Namely, anger and passive aggression.
I was on a long journey of being a pleaser. Putting others needs and wants ahead of my own. Assuming my inferiority in comparison to others. I became hooked on a game of trying to anticipate what was expected of me and acting accordingly. But where was I in the process?
In assuming my inferiority in comparison to others, I didn't get to know who I was, what I liked, or what I wanted. And why is this important? Because to be a healthy adult, you had to have developed value in yourself as a person. A fortunate child's feelings will have been honored, respected, and responded to in a loving manner. And the child then develops the self-esteem to honor their own instincts and values and relate to others with comfort within his own feelings and values. This then allows him to lead an authentic life based on his self-expression. Pleasers have usually had the opposite experience. Instead of valuing their own feelings and values, they surpress them in deference to others. This eventually leads to an ignorance about what they themselves are feeling and an uncertanty about the validity of their values and boundaries. You come to not know your true self.
It's so important to start right away. Feel your feelings, respond and act authentically, if you have a negative response, process, forgive yourself, and more forward.
Learn to know and love yourself for the being that is you.
What's on your mind?
Emotions, Boundaries, and Forgiving Yourself
Easily, I can go into a stint of not forgiving myself. Something I said or did got someone mad or upset and into self-punishment I go. Am I really that bad? Could what I did really have been that wrong? Am I really an unloveable person?
Self-condemnation is the antithesis to forgiving yourself.
The truth is that, like many, I've had my share of a troubled past. I've been hurt, and went on to hurt in response. I've experienced emotional pain from people who were supposedly supposed to love me the most and because of an uncertain upbringing, have struggled with boundaries and dealing with emotions. Meaning, I've felt something, avoided processing and instead took a short cut by becoming reactive towards another and then later punished myself for my behavior and the outcome and response of my actions.
This dilemma with boundaries and emotions may have happened because you weren't taught how to deal with emotions and when you did display them you may have received scorn or ridicule and therefore experienced shame for having them or your emotions may not have been respected or responded to by an adult therefore leading you to believe that you were wrong for having them. This often leads to your supressing and not feeling, ergo denying, your emotions which often leads to reactive behavior.
As humans, we are a relational, collaborative people. Emotions is what allows us to relate with others and work with others in living out our values and what is most important to us. When we're children, we repond to others emotions as a survival mechanism. But the problem is that as an adult, the childish mechanisms of survial no longer apply. Therefore, emotions also point to things within us that need to be healed. So for instance, if you are angry that your girlfriend ignored your text and you sense yourself reacting, there is an emotion that's causing you to react that, far from having anything to do with her, might really be reflecting an underlying belief about what her response really means about you and your relationship. And this belief may not be a true current reflection of this person and/or your relationship. Therefore you're letting your past affect your present.
When emotions are not respected or honored by yourself or others, in a mature fashion, chaos in relationships ensue.
Boundaries are also connected to emotions in that your emotions point to cues of what is acceptable or unacceptable to you. They are the guidepost you set for how you want to conduct your life and how you want to be treated. They are connected to the value you have for yourself. If your self-value is shaky, meaning you don't value your emotions and authentic responses and behaviors, your boundaries will be as well. You'll struggle with childish reactions to your emotional responses because your resistance to processing emotions is ingrained and this leaves you to deny your authentic emotional responses while failing to process, review, respect what they are telling you about yourself and your preferences for treatment (boundaries). You will re-act versus acting maturely in response to what you know about yourself.
This is why it is so important to go inside into the depth of your feelings. Let it all be known, if not to another at least to yourself. One way to do this is to journal. Be honest, what do you feel? why do you feel that way? Admit your feelings without judgement. Forgive yourself for your emotions, your responses, and your failings. Honor yourself by respecting whatever it is that you are feeling regardless of whether they are deemed as negative or impermissable by society or anyone else. Become connected with what you feel and why. Respect those things that you feel as yours and get to know them better, they are your key to living your authentic life with self-love and honoring the whole and complete addition to this world that is you.
What's on your mind?
Self-condemnation is the antithesis to forgiving yourself.
The truth is that, like many, I've had my share of a troubled past. I've been hurt, and went on to hurt in response. I've experienced emotional pain from people who were supposedly supposed to love me the most and because of an uncertain upbringing, have struggled with boundaries and dealing with emotions. Meaning, I've felt something, avoided processing and instead took a short cut by becoming reactive towards another and then later punished myself for my behavior and the outcome and response of my actions.
This dilemma with boundaries and emotions may have happened because you weren't taught how to deal with emotions and when you did display them you may have received scorn or ridicule and therefore experienced shame for having them or your emotions may not have been respected or responded to by an adult therefore leading you to believe that you were wrong for having them. This often leads to your supressing and not feeling, ergo denying, your emotions which often leads to reactive behavior.
As humans, we are a relational, collaborative people. Emotions is what allows us to relate with others and work with others in living out our values and what is most important to us. When we're children, we repond to others emotions as a survival mechanism. But the problem is that as an adult, the childish mechanisms of survial no longer apply. Therefore, emotions also point to things within us that need to be healed. So for instance, if you are angry that your girlfriend ignored your text and you sense yourself reacting, there is an emotion that's causing you to react that, far from having anything to do with her, might really be reflecting an underlying belief about what her response really means about you and your relationship. And this belief may not be a true current reflection of this person and/or your relationship. Therefore you're letting your past affect your present.
When emotions are not respected or honored by yourself or others, in a mature fashion, chaos in relationships ensue.
Boundaries are also connected to emotions in that your emotions point to cues of what is acceptable or unacceptable to you. They are the guidepost you set for how you want to conduct your life and how you want to be treated. They are connected to the value you have for yourself. If your self-value is shaky, meaning you don't value your emotions and authentic responses and behaviors, your boundaries will be as well. You'll struggle with childish reactions to your emotional responses because your resistance to processing emotions is ingrained and this leaves you to deny your authentic emotional responses while failing to process, review, respect what they are telling you about yourself and your preferences for treatment (boundaries). You will re-act versus acting maturely in response to what you know about yourself.
This is why it is so important to go inside into the depth of your feelings. Let it all be known, if not to another at least to yourself. One way to do this is to journal. Be honest, what do you feel? why do you feel that way? Admit your feelings without judgement. Forgive yourself for your emotions, your responses, and your failings. Honor yourself by respecting whatever it is that you are feeling regardless of whether they are deemed as negative or impermissable by society or anyone else. Become connected with what you feel and why. Respect those things that you feel as yours and get to know them better, they are your key to living your authentic life with self-love and honoring the whole and complete addition to this world that is you.
What's on your mind?
Hidden Beliefs
Often, in dating, I find myself renewed and ready to take on the world. That is, until old fears begin to resurface. If I find my self attracted to someone, my pattern of rejection comes up loud and clear. "He didn't call me, am I desperate?" "He doesn't like me, I am silly to have thought he would, I'm so ashamed."
What comes up here is a feeling of shame. However what is often not realized is that underlying this feeling is the belief that you are not worthy of love. Somewhere along the line, you loved someone who in your perception did not love you back. As a vulnerable child, this led to shame for having been rejected. Although this pain is deep enough on its own, the real hurt is actually the self-rejection you imposed on yourself.
When, as a child, we are hurt by the sting of having been abandoned, belittled, or hurt emotionally, we wind up using this information to define ourselves in our eyes. Very often, this outward display of rejection leads to a believe that "I am not worthy of love as I am." Frequently we grow up trying to surpress this hurt but this hidden belief lurks in the background and is often the source of the pain we feel in relationships.
Any hint at rejection as an adult and your emotions are instantly transported to those felt when you developed this primary belief. Because beliefs aren't often analyzed, often we only deal with the feelings. The feeling of rejection, sadness, anxiety, and pain, but we don't look at the source. What are really feeling about ourselves in this moment? Where is it coming from? Is it true?
Now we have the option of seeing it through adult eyes. We can imagine ourselves as that child and have compassion for how we dealt with a painful situations. Once that realization is made, we can choose to let it go and in the process learn to have compassion for our adult selves as well.
What's on your mind?
What comes up here is a feeling of shame. However what is often not realized is that underlying this feeling is the belief that you are not worthy of love. Somewhere along the line, you loved someone who in your perception did not love you back. As a vulnerable child, this led to shame for having been rejected. Although this pain is deep enough on its own, the real hurt is actually the self-rejection you imposed on yourself.
When, as a child, we are hurt by the sting of having been abandoned, belittled, or hurt emotionally, we wind up using this information to define ourselves in our eyes. Very often, this outward display of rejection leads to a believe that "I am not worthy of love as I am." Frequently we grow up trying to surpress this hurt but this hidden belief lurks in the background and is often the source of the pain we feel in relationships.
Any hint at rejection as an adult and your emotions are instantly transported to those felt when you developed this primary belief. Because beliefs aren't often analyzed, often we only deal with the feelings. The feeling of rejection, sadness, anxiety, and pain, but we don't look at the source. What are really feeling about ourselves in this moment? Where is it coming from? Is it true?
Now we have the option of seeing it through adult eyes. We can imagine ourselves as that child and have compassion for how we dealt with a painful situations. Once that realization is made, we can choose to let it go and in the process learn to have compassion for our adult selves as well.
What's on your mind?
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