Easily, I can go into a stint of not forgiving myself. Something I said or did got someone mad or upset and into self-punishment I go. Am I really that bad? Could what I did really have been that wrong? Am I really an unloveable person?
Self-condemnation is the antithesis to forgiving yourself.
The truth is that, like many, I've had my share of a troubled past. I've been hurt, and went on to hurt in response. I've experienced emotional pain from people who were supposedly supposed to love me the most and because of an uncertain upbringing, have struggled with boundaries and dealing with emotions. Meaning, I've felt something, avoided processing and instead took a short cut by becoming reactive towards another and then later punished myself for my behavior and the outcome and response of my actions.
This dilemma with boundaries and emotions may have happened because you weren't taught how to deal with emotions and when you did display them you may have received scorn or ridicule and therefore experienced shame for having them or your emotions may not have been respected or responded to by an adult therefore leading you to believe that you were wrong for having them. This often leads to your supressing and not feeling, ergo denying, your emotions which often leads to reactive behavior.
As humans, we are a relational, collaborative people. Emotions is what allows us to relate with others and work with others in living out our values and what is most important to us. When we're children, we repond to others emotions as a survival mechanism. But the problem is that as an adult, the childish mechanisms of survial no longer apply. Therefore, emotions also point to things within us that need to be healed. So for instance, if you are angry that your girlfriend ignored your text and you sense yourself reacting, there is an emotion that's causing you to react that, far from having anything to do with her, might really be reflecting an underlying belief about what her response really means about you and your relationship. And this belief may not be a true current reflection of this person and/or your relationship. Therefore you're letting your past affect your present.
When emotions are not respected or honored by yourself or others, in a mature fashion, chaos in relationships ensue.
Boundaries are also connected to emotions in that your emotions point to cues of what is acceptable or unacceptable to you. They are the guidepost you set for how you want to conduct your life and how you want to be treated. They are connected to the value you have for yourself. If your self-value is shaky, meaning you don't value your emotions and authentic responses and behaviors, your boundaries will be as well. You'll struggle with childish reactions to your emotional responses because your resistance to processing emotions is ingrained and this leaves you to deny your authentic emotional responses while failing to process, review, respect what they are telling you about yourself and your preferences for treatment (boundaries). You will re-act versus acting maturely in response to what you know about yourself.
This is why it is so important to go inside into the depth of your feelings. Let it all be known, if not to another at least to yourself. One way to do this is to journal. Be honest, what do you feel? why do you feel that way? Admit your feelings without judgement. Forgive yourself for your emotions, your responses, and your failings. Honor yourself by respecting whatever it is that you are feeling regardless of whether they are deemed as negative or impermissable by society or anyone else. Become connected with what you feel and why. Respect those things that you feel as yours and get to know them better, they are your key to living your authentic life with self-love and honoring the whole and complete addition to this world that is you.
What's on your mind?
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